The Practice Girl

The summer i turned 18 ashe made me cross a line. I could never take back. I bit my lip through the ache glowing secretly all night convinced that six long years of loving him from a distance had finally finally paid off. Then the next morning, i heard his friend laughing outside the classroom door. Okay, okay, got the nerd to give it up, huh? My face burned and i turned to slip away before anyone saw me then ashes voice drifted out lazy and unbothered. I'm trying to get with chloe, but she'd think i was too inexperienced. So i use stella to get some practice in first. His words hit me like a thunderclap out of a cloudless summer sky. No warning at all. My mind went completely blank. It was a scorching july afternoon, but i felt like ice was spreading through every inch of my body. Classic asher. Even stella was just a warm up for him. EVERYONE KNOWS HOW HARD IT IS TO GET INTO HER PANTS, RELAX! SHE GOT SOMETHING OUT OF IT TOO. I MEAN STELLA'S CUTE AND ALL, BUT COMPARED TO CHLOE... YEAH, NO CONTEST. AS SHE THREW A TEXTBOOK AT HIM TO SHUT HIM UP. IT WAS JUST A VIBE. OKAY, THE MOMENT HAPPENED AND HONESTLY SHE SEEMED LIKE SHE WAS ENJOYING HERSELF. THE GUYS ALL EXCHANGED KNOWING LOOKS AND START. ED ROASTING HIM. WHO KNEW THE BOOK BURN WAS THAT? THAT FREAKY UNDER ALL THOSE CARDIGANS, BRO! ASHER'S JUST BUILT DIFFERENT. WHY LEAVE FREE FOOD ON THE TABLE, RIGHT? She's been chasing him for years. Technically, she got what she wanted. After inside the room got noticeably louder, i pressed my teeth into my lower lip so hard i tasted copper. Both hands balled into white knuckled fists, it took every single ounce of willpower i had to stay upright, to not just crumple right there in the doorway. Footsteps echoed down the hall toward me. I snapped back to reality and bolted, shoving my way blindly through the corridor. In my panic, i threw myself into the nearest bathroom stall, and lock the door behind me.

The tears came like a damn breaking, grief and humiliation pouring out all at once. Ash's words played on a loop inside my head, every single syllable. They shredded what little self worth i had left. If i hadn't heard it with my own ears, i never could have believed that the guy talking in there was the same one who had held me like i was something precious just last night. Turns out you don't actually need to love someone to do that with them. Turns out you can look a girl dead in the eyes, make her feel everything, and still be lying through every single second of it. The thing i thought was my happily ever after was just a punchline someone else got to laugh at. The more i cried, the worse it got. But i couldn't make a sound. My whole body was shaking so hard, i could barely breathe. A long time passed. My phone buzzed. It was asher. Just grab the uber back. My crew's got a party tonight, and it'd be awkward to bring you. I didn't reply. He sent a follow up. So, pick up a morning after pill yourself. I'm busy today. Don't forget to. To take it good girl. I stared at those two texts for a very, very long time without moving from dusk until nearly sunrise. Asha had been relentless like he had a point to prove by the end. We were both completely wrecked and right before he drifted off with his arms around me. He'd murmured the same thing twice. We weren't really prepared for your first time. I'll get you the pill first thing tomorrow morning. He'd even given me this little lecture about how girls needed to take care of themselves, said the morning after pill was really important, and that skipping it could mess up my body. And i had actually thought, this is it, he's the one, he's being so responsible, i've finally got my person, and now, the clarity hit me like a slap. I dug my nails into my own palm, until the pain forced the tears to stop. I wiped my face, and walked out of that bathroom like nothing had happened. I was too embarrassed to go to a real pharmacy, so i ordered the pill online instead. When the delivery guy left the package at my door, i waited another long stretch before i could even bring myself to go get it. I swallowed it with a mouthful of my own tears, and then i just sat down on the floor, staring at nothing, completely empty. Ever since ash's family had moved next door to mine, i'd trailed after him like a shadow, and that had been 10 years of my life. I had genuinely never stopped to think about what a world without him would even look like. I couldn't picture it, but starting right now, i was going to have to figure it out alone. Outside the floor to ceiling window, the neighborhood lights blinked on, one by one, and then off again. At some point, i really didn't know how long i'd been sitting there, mia called me on facetime. Stella, why didn't you come to the party tonight with Ashler? That girl Chloe from the AP track is here. By the way, she has been all over him since you didn't show. It's actually disgusting.

In the dark corner of the VIP booth, Asher and Chloe were sitting so close together, their thighs were touching. Chloe had worn a crop top and a curvehugging miniskirt, and she looked exactly as model perfect as you'd expectlong tan legs, tiny waist. The two of them had created this invisible bubble that separated them from everyone else in the room. Even the way they were talking looked more like whispering secrets than having a conversation. I could feel the charged energy between them through the screen. Something in my chest locked up. Like someone had reached in and squeezed. He'd only said he wanted to chase her this afternoon, and apparently tonight was all the time he needed. The game switched to truth or dare, and Chloe drew a card that said she had to do a pushup challenge with a guy hovering over her. Predictably, Asher volunteered before anyone else could open their mouth. The whole room immediately started hollering.

The room erupted. Everyone screaming so loud the walls practically shook. Asher and Chloe's faces weren't even redder. With the whole crowd going absolutely feral around them, Asher just tilted his head down and kissed her. Not a quick peck, a full, deep, for the whole room to see kiss. Three full minutes before they. finally pulled apart. For all three of those minutes, I sat completely frozen, eyes locked on the screen, barely remembering to breathe. It felt like someone was reaching into my chest and tearing something loose. I wanted to cry so badly, but I'd used up every tear I had in that bathroom stall and had nothing left. He literally kissed her in front of everyone. He is so into her. Mia shook her head and stepped out of the booth, turning the camera as she went. She found a quiet corner and looked at me with that serious face she uses when she means it. Don't be mad at me if I hadn't shown you. You never would have let yourself move on. My voice came out wrecked and scratchy, barely recognizable. I'm not mad at you. I'm only mad at myself for wasting so many years. I had always assumed that the spot beside Asher was mine, that it would always be mine. I am so done with him, Stella. Who does he think he is watching? You love love him for years acting all innocent. Like he had no idea just letting you fall deeper and deeper. You saw what i showed you. I'm seriously begging you. Please don't let him waste the next four years of your life too. He won't mia. I cut her off and my voice came out calmer than i expected. I'm not giving myself the chance mia. I've already decided i'm going to california with you. But you have to promise me you'll keep it quiet for now. Right after I said it, so I wouldn't talk myself out of it, I flipped open my laptop right in front of her. Without a single second of hesitation, I changed my first choice school to the one in California, one minute before the deadline.

Mia basically levitated off the ground. She'd been begging me for months to apply to the same school as her. But back when we started high school, asher and i had made this pact. We'd work hard together, and go to his dream school up in boston after graduation. It had his aerospace engineering program, the one he'd been obsessed with since we were kids. So even though i didn't particularly love the idea of brutal winters, and even though that school was a technical institute that didn't even have my major, i'd spent three years treating it like my only option. Our families had lived next door to each other for so long that both sets of parents thought it was basically a done deal. We'd end up at the same school. Everyone, including me, assumed asher and i would just naturally become official once we got to college. But right now, i couldn't think of a single reason to still go to boston, because honestly, after today, if i kept following asher around the way i always had, i would never be able to look myself. Myself in the mirror again, i just needed to go somewhere far away. It didn't even matter where, as long as he wasn't there. He was going east, so i was going west.